how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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