seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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