I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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