Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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