Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
