Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I pour the whiskey from now on
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
