You work out of a Hotel?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
