I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
