Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
