For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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