i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
