Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
