I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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