Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
