she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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