dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
