Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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