I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
