My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
