i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
