So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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