So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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