you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
