mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
