Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
