i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
