We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
