My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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