I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
