The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
