you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
