i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
