i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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