Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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