how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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