Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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