I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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