it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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