I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize