my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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