dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize