He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
