my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
The air taste purple.
Randomize
