can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
