i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
