We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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