i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
