I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
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Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize