cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I had to cum in my sink.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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