She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
