so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
