mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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