bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
