I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
