woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
