We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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