My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
