Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
