Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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