I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
