I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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