So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
