Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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